Sunday, June 22, 2008

Top 10 Worst Junk Foods - by David Pilkington

I need to make this clear:
This entry is dedicated to the worst tasting junk food. The kind that you regret eating, halfway into it.
Not the least nutritious junk food.

Alternative Titles:
Top 10 foods I wish I hadn't eaten.
Top 10 foods not worth the calories.

I'm doing this because I had a very bad experience this weekend with a previously unknown snack treat. I now feel it my duty to warn you.

10. Skittles - The ultimate candy which you liked when you were 6, but now notice how gross it is. Even Richard Keeler, the former crowned king of Skittles, admits to this.

9. Popcorn Jelly Bellys - We had a Costco-sized bucket of Jelly Bellys on our last road trip. A battle ensued over who could make the worst combination of Jelly bean. Popcorn inevitably showed up in every submission.

8. The black and orange wrapped generic Halloween candy - given out only by the most frugal of neighbors. I wonder if they have ever tried this candy themselves.

7. Hostess Fruit Pies - I just remember wanting to like them because my Grandparents did. They seem like the most adult of junk foods.

6. Circus Peanuts - While these may be up higher on your list, I think they deserve some credit for existing for this long.

5. Peeps - Only fun in the microwave, not in the mouth.

4. Puffy Generic Yellow Cheetos - My good friend Nate Soules once sneaked a 10 pound bag of these things inside his trenchcoat into a movie theater.

3. Snowballs - I think it is because when you bite down, the breaking-point comes much later than you expect. You're left wondering, what is underneath all of these bright pink coconut flakes?

2. Flaming Hot Funnions - As if the funnion wasn't bad enough already.

1. Oreo Cakesters - The purpose for this entry. Catie says they just put out this product to snag the impulsive and curious buyer.
My issue with the Cakester is that it tastes the same with the wrapper on as it does unwrapped.


Honorable mentions:
Necco Wafers
Strawberry Shasta
Mustard Ghardettos
Moonpies
McGriddles
Milky Way

5 comments:

LW said...

Skittles? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. In fact, I ate an entire back of berry-flavored Skittles for breakfast yesterday morning. I can support you on the circus peanuts though. I think they are made out of old styrofoam. Your baby shower pics are up on my blog. Send me your e-mail if you want, and I will send you the full collection.

Stephanie-jean Weber said...

I feel the overwhelming need to go and eat an Oreo Cakester now, just to see HOW bad they really are!

CORY said...

Dave, you got me ta thinking. Here's my list of four that make me want to vomit.
1- Pork Rinds
2- Boston Baked Beans
3- Funions
And, last but not least
4- Bugles

I think though, if you had a Canadian type drink to wash it down with, it'd be a different story. Just google Canada Beverage. You'll find it straight away.

Stephanie-jean Weber said...

Oh Cory :( I love Pork Rinds, must be a Southern thing :) I am not sure why Dan likes those Hostess Pies so much, but he is always trying to sneak a few into our grocery cart when we go shopping together! I highly doubt that Dan eats anything because it makes him feel more refined, but I will have to double check on that!

Bukran said...

I'm with you on the popcorn jelly bellies...there's something about buttery jelly beans that's downright unsettling.

The multicolored Halloween candy you refer to are Peanut Butter Mary Janes. Unless they're eaten straight off the assembly line, they're as hard as a geologic sample from the Cretaceous era.

The Hostess fruit pie is simply frighteningly unhealthy. You ever look at its nutrition label?

Amen on the Necco wafers. Why yes, I *would* like a disc of colored chalk! How on earth did WWII-era candy survive so long?

In regards to the Strawberry Shasta, Milkly Way, and mustard pretzels, I only have one word in response:

Blasphemy!